Corona – all because of me?

by Gunter Denk

I am a high risk! Almost 70 years old, obese (for non-Latin people: too fat), the rhythm of my heart is now as uncontrolled as the rhythm of my dance steps in the Cha-Cha-Cha-Course of my early youth. And I have been fond of wine since my first delirium as a guest of a student fraternity in beautiful Würzburg. So in me the Corona virus finds a “host” in the truest sense of the word, who has set the table perfectly for the ominous guest.

And now the world, led by the WHO, Karl Lauterbach and Bill Gates, has decided to protect me. They lock up all the people so that the virus will not find me.

Because of me, restaurants and pubs, which have lived on me for decades, have been going bankrupt for months. Because of me, children are no longer allowed to go to school, which forces teachers to be even more idle. Men are beaten up by their wives at home because they only realize who they once married when they are grounded.

And even worse: Because of me, Bill, Karl and followers have shut down the economy. Millions of people have been made unemployed, two million cancer surgeries have been postponed worldwide, hospitals are empty with brand new ventilators, and pizza makers who are not allowed to work bawl “O Sole Mio” from balconies when they see a nurse walking by. Even airlines are going bankrupt because of me (which in the case of Lufthansa I would have accepted without complaints due to my experience as a passenger).

I myself, on the other hand, would – frankly – have preferred to thankfully forego the protection offered to me by “Mutti”, her co-governors, and her veterinarians from the RKI.

I would actually like to spend the rest of my years in an exciting way and with certain risks. Maybe I’ll parachute in again, decide to dive with white sharks, read stunning 1000 pages from “Dr. Zhivago”, or put something else absolutely unreasonable on my bucket list. None of these things, however, should shut down the economy and drive people to suicide.

I would also much rather have everyone keep on saying “Just stay away from me! Think I want to get infected?” who comes too close with a dripping nose or a cough! Instead, I have to talk about “social distancing” with a worried face.

However: I would have missed some humoresque!

Maybe I would never have been able to admire the “top virologist” Drosten with the “sensual lips” (quote from a big daily newspaper!) on TV. And maybe I would never have known that a comedian named Karl Lauterbach can bring tears of laughter to my eyes just by his appearance. John Cleese in “Fawlty Towers” was a bore against “Freaky Karl”.

And a Franconian politician who straps the Bavarian colors to his mouth to appear particularly dashing and ready for the chancellor, I would have otherwise certainly only been able to experience during the carnival season.

What else would I have missed?

For example, the bakery in the Palatinate, which has hung up “community loan masks” on the store door for customers who don’t have their own mask. Or also the members of the Bundestag, who in the Bundeshauskantine laugh out loud at their obedient subjects tapping their thighs while sitting together without mouthguards and being looked after by waitresses just as “unprotected”.

I also think it’s especially great that nowadays I can write down in the guest list at the Italian restaurant where the pretty blonde who just came in before me lives and under which telephone number I can chat her up. Finding out what used to be harder! Long live the privacy lock-down!

But there are some things I would have gladly done without.

For example, that I have to sit in a restaurant, separated from the best of all wives by a glass pane (and framed by one on both sides), before I sit in the car with her … and expose myself to the dangers of our double bed again at home, unmasked.

I would also have gladly renounced politicians who, just for my protection, have abolished the basic rights of freedom of movement, freedom to practise a profession, freedom of religion, as well as the right of property and the right to demonstrate.

They all want to protect me, they say, from a danger that is statistically as likely to cause my death as that of being run over by an intercity. Wouldn’t it be better to stay away from train stations, where Intercitys swarm? In any case, it is certain that in the future I will only walk on train tracks together with a maximum of 6 people from two households.

I sincerely apologize to all those who have to suffer in this and similar ways to protect me – the high risk