… because I had not succeeded in a whimsical “Thoughts of the Day” since I had written “Corona – all because of me!” Please forgive me, but it was simply too difficult: Satire lives of absurd exaggerations of observations! And exaggerations work just only if the reality can be outdone in her absurdity at all. Whenever I thought of something absurd, it was Merkel, Spahn and Söder and then Lauterbach, Habeck and Baerbock who were always quicker and more perfect with their real-life farces and ideas on how best to make fun of the German Michel. It simply could not be topped.
Then these German government comedians were joined by “wokeness,” “last generation” and 46 new genders. With the slogan ” Have you got bugs in your pockets, you’ve always got some to snack on!” a hash farmer as Minister of Agriculture promoted insects as a substitute for currywurst, the consumption of which was defined by the government as the cause of the extinction of Polar Bears at the South Pole. And as part of a new, “feminine foreign policy,” a minister who had suffered a bit cognitive neglect at the hands of God philosophized about women’s toilets in Africa, which our country would now have to take care of.
Moreover, the designated Green Minister of War Anton “Wallenhaar” Hofreiter and a liberal Chairwoman of the Defense Committee disguised as Frankenstein’s journeyman developed peacemaking weapons, which unfortunately both Napoleon in 1812 and the “GGGAT” (Germany’s Greatest General of All Times) in 1939 had obviously lacked in their efforts to conquer the Russian Tsarist Empire.
Now, this time, there was a hitch in the timely delivery of these weapons to the front. The NATO-olive camouflaged cargo bikes, purchased with 100 billion in special defense funds, had unforeseeable problems loading the “Leopards” and “Marders”. Our Minister of Defense had failed to notice during procurement that the “Leos” and “Marder” were not cute little furry animals, but metal things that “banged into the air with a pipe in the front” and were therefore quite heavy.
It was exasperating. How could satire top that? And yet I had the feeling that I had failed. So I kept quiet. In short, it seemed to be over with the “Thoughts of the Day”. Forever. So much over, I thought, like the belief in that fairy tale of only two sexesgenders that parents, teachers, history and Jesus Christ had led us to believe for thousands of years.
Foolish thinking, though. There is hope again! On my recent trip to the best Germany ever, I realized my chance: When absurdity and folly become the rule, the absurd seeks new paths. One simply does accept the craziness, and scoffs at the normal. Once this decision was made, I quickly realized how foolishly I used to live in my pseudo-normality. That had already begun with the fact that as a toddler I still sucked unenlightened-dumbly at the breast of my mother (better: parent 1), instead of practicing “starving for peace” at the contentless teat of the penis-tipped parent 2.
“Change through Acceptance” was the solution. Accept the delusion and scoff at old normality.
The reawakening of the “Thoughts of the Day” was thus already indicated at the security check in Bangkok airport. “Ah, you go to Germany,” the officer noted when he found a bag of cockroaches in my carry-on luggage. “I already have knowledge that the Germans now eat our insects, so we don’t need to spray against them so much anymore. Very nice people! Germany Number One!” he gave a thumbs up, praising German help in combating the domestic insect plague. Next time, I decided, I would also take “green trail mix” as a gift for my green compatriots, where the cockroaches were mixed with a few young winged termites and crunchy red ants. One will respect me and my convictions.
Arriving in Frankfurt, I could literally feel how the country had pulled itself out of the swamp through the new acceptance.
“For God’s sake,” the immigration officer in Frankfurt’s Terminal 2 was already yelling at me when he spotted the passport in my hand. “Just throw that thing away! Are you just stupid? You’re only causing me work. And for you, it will only bring you fines, curfew, tax liability and social banishment. You’d better call out to me ‘Asyle now’ or something like that. Then I’ll certify your right to free accommodation, monthly welfare and, with a bit of luck and two or three medium crimes, you’ll be granted a trip home to Bangkok on a special plane.”
“Great, thank you,” I rejoiced and ran to the long-distance train station directly after receiving the first “Bürgergeld”.
There, at the station and despite all the doom and gloom, no one was waiting for delayed trains anymore. That, too, was due to the new system. Instead of buying tickets at a ticket counter, one could now purchase lottery tickets for any platform in any lottery office. The ticket was valid for a whole year and cost 11 euros. Then, at the platforms, either pretty Saxon girls or Berlin trannies stood nimbly dressed at a Wheel of Fortune. Every 30 minutes they turned the wheel and the pointer stopped at a city name. That’s where the next train was headed. Munich and somewhere far away abroad were main hits and caused jubilation among those waiting.
Berlin and Bremen were considered rivets. No one cashed in their tickets here. Rather, bearded figures in Adidas sports suits, who skillfully demonstrated the use of butterfly knives, occupied the vacant seats on these trains. “They are all activists of the party scene, applicants for the red-red-green Homeland Defense in Thuringia and experienced anti-Semites, who were trained for this purpose In Palestine as skilled operatives,” a knowledgeable bio-German enlightened me. “Whoever does not have this training and possibly only wants to cheekily learn our language or even work here, we deport him in a jiffy. Where would we end up there?”
Train delays because of people committing suicide on the rails, as they often used to be heard from announcements, are also a matter of the past. “Most suicides starve to death on the tracks,” the conductor enlightened me, “while waiting for one of the delayed trains. Sometimes the carcasses still cause a slight rumble here and there. But we wouldn’t have to stop for that anymore,” he added proudly.
The trains were chicly painted. The wagons appeared all in eco-green. The front of the engines featured the images of the most popular politicians. Regional trains bore the smiling face of Robert Habeck, from whose fuzzy hair the steam of the coal boiler emerged in bursts, graphically perfect. No more expensive electricity was to be wasted on regional trains. They were once again pulled by steam locomotives, mostly the good old “001”.
The freight trains, which were much wider, heavier and more ponderous as they rumbled along the tracks, were emblazoned with the image of Ricarda Lang. An animation had her devouring a huge Royal Double Cheese burger, and on the left and right, like wing mirrors, two outstretched middle fingers stood out a bit. Both were connected by a chanting ribbon “No candy for kids!”
InterCitys and international trains bore the image of Annalena Baerbock on the front. That actually looked quite normal at first. After all, they wanted to look good abroad. Only the lettering “German Raylwai” discreetly pointed out the language problems of our country’s first female diplomatic representative. And in the passenger coaches themselves, there were unusual dump toilets in the middle of every fourth seat row. “This represents our new feminine railroad policy,” the train attendant explained again, “because it means that women don’t have to go to the bathroom alone and unprotected in an out-of-the-way toilet compartment. They would then be raped most of the time.” I caught a place near such a facility. It stank badly, but according to green facts checkers, it made the train more feminine, colorful and inclusive. I got off briefly at the next stop and took a breath.
After arriving in Munich, I learned that Luisa Neubauer from Frankfurt was also coming to Munich. Actually, we were heading to the same event. She was even there already. She had taken her private jet. Yet, with a very, very bad conscience! As an environmental compensation, she allegedly slapped the pilot twice after landing, then glued herself in front of her cab to the hotel for 40 minutes and sprayed orange lacquer on its windows after arrival. Respect, I said to myself, that’s what you call real value orientation!
The event took place in a luxury hotel in Munich. The tranny “EricBigClitoris” spoke there in front of politicians about her SPD-funded educational tour through Munich’s kindergartens last month. “EricBigClitoris” lamented, however, about the wayward fascist kids who thought that “clitoris” was something similar to “colitis” and therefore he, the poor Eric, probably had some really big hemorrhoids. Chancellor Olaf gave the acceptance speech and was asked if he had also dreamed of a gender reassignment as a teenager. “I don’t remember that,” he replied diplomatically.
Back in Bangkok, I worried that I would have to miss the wonderful New German World with its colorful railroads and funny state secretaries. But thanks be to “God the Queer”: The first e-mail I received was an invitation from the German Chamber of Commerce GTCC for a “Gender Neutral GTCC Woman Networking Evening”. Ha, I thought, the world will be saved by German culture after all.
In September, according to reports, another piece of German culture will be presented by way of an “LGBTQI*HIV+ Mission Evening”. The Thai government is supposed to be proselytized to finally end the persecution of homosexuality and transvestites in Pattaya. In addition one expects also Annalena Baerbock in person to join the event. She will bring back 12 Dixi-toilets for the “Soi Cowboy” in Bangkok and a solid gold Buddha figure allegedly stolen by German Nazis in Phuket back in 1522. As a “sign of regret the German occupation of Thailand many million kilometers away 500 years ago”, Baerbock wished to this understood.
The Thai government has already promised out of respect for the top of the German Foreign Ministry a 1 1/2 hour dialogue with the typist of a division head at the Ministry of Tourism. Almost the entire German press and 9 private photographers of Mrs. Baerbock will be present. The AFD has been uninvited.
Then it was time to sleep. With some melancholy, I viewed once again and probably for the last time that impressive Facebook video of the German embassy team celebrating the Thai New Year. Dressed in tender, flowing Thai robes, the video showed our diplomats performing the classic Thai “fingernail dance” with its traditional dance figures “Nangkang Khane the monkey soldier” and “Jamuad the clumsy joker”.
Now, however, the ambassador is reportedly facing dismissal from Berlin for “cultural usurpation” and thus insulting the host country. “This racism,” the minister is said to have justified the dismissal, “goes far beyond the reprehensible Indian outfits of kids during carnival time and the disgusting derailment of the women’s choral club, which misused Mexican Sombreros as a dressing-up during an Senior Citizens’ Afternoon. Such a thing is not acceptable among friends!”
My solidarity with our ambassador is assured. Starting from tomorrow, I will demonstratively practice the fingernail dance. To be on the safe side, though, I’ll be wearing leather pants. I will set a sign, I firmly resolved, before I finally fell asleep. Good night, Germany!