from Gunter Denk
Just before I fell asleep, I jumped up in bed in horror: What had just happened to me? What was bursting out of me? How long had this undetected evil been smoldering inside me?
It was during my night prayers when I first became shockingly aware of what an inner enemy of the state was slumbering inside myself! I had just asked the Lord in my prayer to lead me on the right path! You heard it right! On the “right” path! Lead! The path against which the woke and the “righteous”, no, sorry, the awakened and the “lefties” are fiercely fighting with missionary zeal?
It was time to reflect. Giving up my Christian faith due to the desire for a socially ostracized “right” path in my prayer was going too far. Even confession would not help here, because the Catholic Church, which is responsible for confessions, is after all also constantly searching for the “right path”. Yes, it even publicly insists in its Sunday masses in every language of the world that it is “worthy and right” to honor the Lord. The Lord! A male description without gendering! So help was hardly to be expected from the Church.
I found out that the ideological basis for my outrageous thoughts had obviously already been laid during my law studies. Didn’t I already learn unbelievable legal confessions about a supposedly good human and civil “rights”? Had I been blind back then?
Where was the realization that keeping people “rightless”, was a moral imperative?
Yett, remembering my wild student years gave me a first solution to my delegitimizing thinking. As an oppositional 68er, I remembered how many an old communist in power still today revered the teachings of Mao Tse Tong.
Hadn’t Mao discovered “self-criticism” as the cure for ideological failure during his Cultural Revolution? So, if confession couldn’t help, perhaps Mao could!
For Mao, it was considered a liberating and auspicious act to confess in front of the entire group of comrades, for example, to have had a nightly erection when thinking about reading a book again as a former professor instead of cutting steel.
A lengthy self-criticism by the delinquent subsequently freed him from his social guilt. He was considered sufficiently rehabilitated … for his execution shortly afterwards.
I realized that self-criticism could and had to help.
And so it should begin here with a critical examination of my disrespectful and dishonorable actions over the last 73 years. Self-criticism is the basis for taking the right, no, sorry, damn it, the “left path”.
Emigration, I decided, was the first step in making a strong statement. So, I emigrated to Thailand. Why Thailand? That’s quickly explained. Unlike in Germany, there is no “drive on the right” rule on all roads. No, you drive on the left there. The rule is “left before right”, not “right before left” as in Germany.
I was proud, I was “woken”, I was resolutely against the right.
However, I soon realized that the cars in Thailand were “right-hand driven”. “Right” and “steering”, notice what? Shoot, I had jumped from the frying pan into the fire. The conflict seemed irresolvable. Either drive left and steer right or vice versa. The “right” was always in play.
So the car had to go. I sold it. And I learned from our green ministers’ decision not to fly and did what our rulers do:
I no longer drive myself. I now afford a limousine with a driver. That’s the way I can’t be blamed for anything. It’s all for the driver, it’s not my fault if he drives on the right.
Even better, I don’t cause any CO2 either. That’s also done by the driver, and I’m only sitting in the back. And by getting rid of my own car, I’m even sending a very strong message for saving the climate. And the best thing is that I no longer pay for it myself, the government or, in my case, the company pays for it.
A real moral “double whammy”, as our chancellor would call it.
Unfortunately, this still didn’t solve all the issues. There was still too much of the evil right in me. I found myself cutting my steak made from soy flour and organically farmed tapeworms with the knife in my right hand while eating. Do you understand? “Knife” = “weapon” plus “right hand”! A clear observation case for the domestic Secret Service.
My culinary culture could be interpreted as a hidden sign to like-minded people. Like the “88” for Neo-Nazis.
Oh God! That reminds me, 20 years ago, I proudly chose my cell phone number with the final digits “8888”. Two times “88” means two times “HH” for two times “Heil Hitler”.
If all of this came out! The Secret Service would now even list me as “confirmed right-wing extremist”. I eat with a weapon in my right hand and am unmasked as an old Nazi by “8888” and I instinctively hat sent out radical messages.
Now, at the age of 73, all I needed was a rollator to be trapped as a “Reichsbürger” and a few dozen GSG9 troops would move in and arrest me.
The move to Thailand was therefore more than justified. There, you hold the fork, which is also a “weapon”, in your left hand, while you push the food into the slot under your nose with your “right hand”. An absolutely positive symbol: With the weapon in “the left” (like the Antifa), you can shovel the nice things that those of the lefties in power provide for each other into your own pocket with your right hand, just like the NGOs.
This conformity with those in power should document my loyalty to the constitution beyond doubt.
Now, there was one last problem: I’m right-handed. And that makes me one of the vast majorities who perform most activities (may be with the exception of masturbation and similar filth) with their right hand.
But here, too, Mao’s teachings helped me. What had he once invented the re-educational concentration camps for? Learning from Mao means learning to win!
I passed on my recommendation to create such camps for the re-education of right-handed people to our Homeland Secretary, Nancy Faser. She took up the idea enthusiastically and even considered only handing out voting ballots to re-educated left-handers with immediate effect.
But then there was probably a problem: the millions of refugees seeking protection and money in the best Germany of all time are predominantly Muslims, who are known to only eat with three fingers of their right hand.
The left hand is considered dirty. Only at ATMs is it allowed to use both hands, because money is known not to stink, is therefore clean and there is no harm in withdrawing it with any hand available.
Nancy therefore shelved my suggestion of re-education camps. A conflict between a ban of right-handers, and the Muslim eating culture have been unavoidable.
How cowardly and inconsequential. Nancy’s reluctance to send a strong message to the world by setting up re-education camps gave me pause for thought.
I then did what Annalena Baerbock suggested to Putin: I did a 360° complete turn and decided to rather stick by my night prayer. I now recite it even more resolutely and consciously, asking the Lord to lead us all and those in power onto the right path.
They don’t even have to resign; they just have to stop ruling!
I hope the Lord hears my truly sincere wish. Otherwise, it will probably remain the case until the elections in 2025 that things will no longer be “right”. Instead, we will be “left behind”.